"What Life at Two Years Old Looks Like"

I was so excited when my friend and fellow photographer Tara (whose son Harrison is Connor's BFF :) They are both big dinosaur fans, which is all that you need in common at that age!) suggested to a group of other local photographers to join together for a year-long photography project. The point of the project is to actually make time for photographing our own families, so it was perfect for me, as I have been very lax in actually getting out my real camera and instead have been relying on my iphone WAY too much!

Each month, we choose our own theme within the parameters of  "what ____ looks like." I wrote my complete post over at my photography blog, but I wanted to share a few of my favorite photos from this month.

I chose to focus solely on Connor for this month's installment. As I detailed in my original post, Brenna became such a priority after her birth, and most of my computer folders from the last six months holds her photos. For the first few weeks especially, I was so intent to capture every little detail, every day with her. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that wanted to document everything during those first few days, weeks and months just in case our time with her was brief.

And with Connor being the active age of 2, he has become much harder to capture on camera, especially sitting still and smiling! So I decided to take my camera to his level and document my everyday life with him for this project, and I love the candid images I now have of my buddy. :)

Beautiful eyelashes, while we were creating masterpieces of art one day...

Twisting on the swings...

Playing with his beloved cars...

Check out my photo blog for more!

Thursday Thoughts, Vol. 5

1. Is anyone else trying to comprehend how it is almost July???

2. I think our parents took pity on me after my last post because I was able to take Connor swimming TWICE this week by myself, and it was absolutely fantastic :)

3. Brenna is on antibiotics again - both for early onset of what appeared to be staph infection on her head and face last weekend, and also for an ear/eye infection. Brenna's speech pathologist noticed her nose and right eye looked a little puffy yesterday, and she was clawing at her right ear all day. The tricky part is that you can't look into her ear like a typical kid and see the eardrum to know if it's infected because of the skin build-up. (Usually her ENT is barely able to see the drum even after cleaning out her canal.) So we're just assuming there is an infection with the fluid build-up in her face and the symptoms she has. Hopefully she starts to feel better asap!

4. As hard as it is for any parent not to play the comparison game, I feel like I'm doing a good job not comparing Brenna's milestones and skills to other babies her age. I am realizing how limiting her skin is for all areas of her life, and she has been through more in 6 months than many people do in a lifetime. She'll do things in her own time, when she wants to and is physically able to.

Rolling over? Pshhhh. I'm too busy mastering my mad staph-dominating skillz. Who needs time on your tummy when there's skin to be made?

5. As of today, we are officially a family of four...if you catch my drift... It was a strange experience overall, but definitely the right choice for us.


6. Though it's not for a great reason, I am looking forward to having Evan at home for three days with me :)

7. Wow, this edition of Thursday Thoughts was even more random than usual.

Happy Thursday!

Frustration

We are trying our best to continue with our family life as we always have - going to church, taking the kids out to shop, going to social events.

However, being out there, among all of the "normal" and trying to do all of the "normal", has made me all the more aware of how not normal our normal now is. And I have to admit that I have had moments of grief about it and even, ashamedly, selfishness.

Yesterday, we went to my friend Kristin's parents' house to swim. The water was cold, and it was hot out, though there was a nice breeze, so I either kept Brenna inside while she slept or one of us sat with her in the shade, away from the pool and therefore apart from the conversation and action. And there was a part of me that just wished Brenna could nap outside like other babies do without fear of overheating, or float in the pool without thought of the cold water. And then I felt so extremely selfish for thinking that way.

And I did find a little clarity when I reminded myself that this isn't about me now - Brenna was content and well taken care of, and Connor was happy and having so much fun with Kristin and her sister in the pool. And that's what matters.

Sometimes, when it's been a long day, I will have a pang of frustration that I have to be SO careful with her all the time. It can be stressful always being so conscious about being gentle, being clean, making sure not to hurt her skin. But that's selfish on my part; her skin does hurt. Maybe (hopefully) not all of the time or even the majority of the time, but I can tell it does hurt her or cause discomfort at least.

Brenna's skin is not just aesthetically different; it's very tight and restrictive. She can't open her fingers or hands too far before she'll start screaming, and it breaks my heart. Again, I am working on overcoming my selfishness to remember the magnitude of her needs. She is special, and as much as we will try to do things as "normally" as possible, there will be things she can't do. That's just how it is.

And yet, I am always glad that God chose me to be Brenna's mother. I can't imagine anyone else caring for my special girl. I know he will be my constant source of strength and selflessness as she grows older and meets new challenges. I know it's normal to be frustrated sometimes; I just hope these times are few and far between.

She's A Butterfly

She remembers when she first got her wings
And how she opened up that day 
she learned to sing

(one week)

Then the colors came, erased the 
black and white
And her whole world changed 
when she realized...

 (2 weeks)

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down

 (one month)

And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly

 (two months)

Like the purest light in a darkened world
So much hope inside such a lovely girl

 (three months)

You should see her fly, it's almost magical

It makes you want to cry, she's so beautiful

 (four months)

God bless the butterfly,

give her the strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

(five months)

 God bless the butterfly,

give her strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

(six months)

God bless the butterfly,
give her the strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground

-Martina McBride

Home again

Brenna continued to eat well and pee well through the night, so this morning, the hospital sent us packing.

We were glad to have the same hospitalist and same residents as we did during her hospital stay in March, so they were familiar with her. As soon as Brenna shows signs of being well, the hospitalist wants to get her home, away from all of the hospital germs and risk for more infection. Which we can definitely appreciate!

We are glad to be home again and glad that Brenna seems to be back to her usual sassy self :)

Back to the hospital...

We decided to call the doctor this morning after we've noticed that Brenna has had low urine output, has been eating a little less than usual, has plateaued on weight and has been just generally fussy for a couple of days.

Her doctor felt like her stomach was a little enlarged and with her showing some signs of dehydration, he wanted her admitted to the hospital.

BLAH.

I had almost forgotten how much being at the hospital sucks.

Thankfully, the docs don't want to put in an IV just yet, but she has a feeding tube through her nose right now, and whatever she doesn't finish by bottle of her typical feeding, she gets through the tube.

Hopefully this will get her hydrated enough on its own, and she'll be good to go soon...

This girl is wearing me out.

Brenna Helen Marie is SIX months old!

Happy Half Birthday, my beautiful Brenna!!

Wow - 6 months old.

In some ways, you are still very much an infant. Besides your small size, which often has people asking how "new" you are, you still love to be swaddled while sleeping and you still refuse to even entertain the idea of tummy time.

But in other ways, you are such a big girl. You love to sit up and see what is going on around you. You can almost sit up by yourself, which looks pretty amusing, to see a baby the size of a two-month-old sitting up :) You have discovered the TV, and you try to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse right alongside your brother. And you love when we put toys on your Bumbo tray, and you try to grab and them and move them around.

And in a lot of these ways, you are just like your brother! He was swaddled for sleeping until 7 months, he hated tummy time (didn't crawl until 10.5 months and then went almost straight to walking), and was so curious and content to sit and watch the action.

Last night, we had our first success with rice cereal! You were curious about the spoon on your lips and tried to feel it with your tongue. And when I would get a little cereal in your mouth, you ate it with no problem! Usually you gag and act like we are trying to shove a melon down your throat if we even touch your lips with a spoon ;) I think once you discover the world of baby food, there will be no turning back (though you are quite the milk drinker...again just like your brother, who goes through about 3 gallons of whole milk on his own in a week!) (no, I am not exaggerating.)

I have to admit: I am pretty excited about you turning 6 months old. This is my favorite baby stage!

Brenna, I think you get more beautiful every time I look at you. You have the most gorgeous blue eyes (from your daddy!) and the sweetest little mouth. Dr. Conlon always said you could be a lip model :) Now that you are getting older and more aware, you also make the cutest expressions.

I spend most of my days carrying you around. I can't help it. You want to be up high and in the middle of the action, and you have to be in the right mood to tolerate the bouncy seat or Bumbo chair. So we spoil the heck out of you and carry you! I keep meaning to stop doing this so much :)

We love you to the moon and back, sweet girl. Happy 6 months!!!

Brenna's Story

Thank you for all those who read the wonderful article about Brenna in the Springfield State Journal-Register yesterday! What a great Fathers Day "gift" to have our family featured on the front page :)

We were absolutely thrilled how it turned out, and we want to thank Molly, the journalist, and Jason, the photojournalist and videographer, for doing such a great job. They were so wonderful to work with, very sensitive to Brenna's needs and made us feel so comfortable.

To read the article online, go here, and to see a video with clips from Brenna's bath, go here. (I wasn't thrilled about talking on video, but Jason did a great job editing my rambling :) )

For those who are checking out our blog from the SJ-R, check out my very first post here for more information about when Brenna was born. You can also read about my recount of her birth here.

We were slightly apprehensive about the whole experience going in (I'm used to being on the other side of the interviewing!), but we were very happy with the "finished product" and very excited about the chance to educate more people about Brenna's condition.

According to Evan

The people have spoken, and Evan has answered. I convinced him to do a guest blog post for Fathers Day - wasn't that nice of me? :) Hope you enjoy getting a break from my ramblings and some insight into Brenna and Connor's Daddy! Happy Fathers Day to all of the wonderful dads out there, but especially my own father, my father-in-law and certainly not least of all, my incredible husband.

Courtney has done an amazing job chronicling our story with Brenna. The stories that Courtney tells are all the ones what I would choose to tell you all, but she has an amazing way of saying things. And for that I am thankful as I can stay behind the scenes. She wanted me to do a guest post today and I am a little excited and a little nervous as I am more of a rambling talker than an eloquent writer.  

Fathers Day is very important to me for many reasons. My dad is absolutely my role model and I strive to be like him in pretty much every way. He has taught me what it takes to work hard to have ‘things’ for your family but more importantly to be there to answer questions and lead by example for your children. I have learned everything from how to shoot a basketball, to how to shoot a gun, to how to put family first every step of the way. I will have succeeded if I am half the man that my father is. Thank you and I love you, Dad. In addition to my dad, I have learned a ton from both of my grandfathers and now Courtney’s dad. I could not have asked for a better support system throughout my entire life than these 4 men.

Easter 2010 - Connor, me, my dad, and my grandpa (my mom's dad)

I am incredibly thankful that I learned so much from all of these men because WOW, I was excited for Connor to come in September 2009. We were your typical relative newlyweds and first time parents and were nervous but also incredibly excited. We’ve learned as we’ve gone and are still learning every day but I am proud to say that Connor is closer to 3 than 2 and is the smartest, most handsome, and sweetest boy ever. (I’m sure that I’m the only father that thinks this.)

September 14, 2009 - Connor, one day old.

After we had Connor, we absolutely knew that we wanted at least one more child and so set out trying to make that happen. When we found out that we were pregnant again we were incredibly excited, as you could imagine. When we found out that it was a girl I was over-the-moon excited as I knew that I at least had a chance to convince Courtney that this was a perfect little family that could still fit in a full size sedan if necessary. College is not cheap, you know!

Fast forward to December 19, 2011 and I’m bee-bopping over to Indianapolis for work, only thinking about what I’m going to do that day and how excited I was for Christmas and the New Year to be here so that we could celebrate our daughter’s birth. When Courtney called and told me that “it was time,” my heart was racing for the next several hours until I could be there. I was a little nervous about the earliness of the birth but overall knew that everything would be fine.

Brenna was born later that afternoon and at first everything did not appear to be ‘fine’, as any reader here knows. We have had our share of trying times these last 6 months, but I am more obsessed with my little baby than any dad should be. Brenna continues to get better every day and she shows her love to me every day by giving me her sweet, toothless smile and I must admit that it melts my heart every single time!

December 31, 2011 - first time holding Brenna at 2 weeks

It is safe to say that I am more proud of my little family of Courtney, Connor, and Brenna than I am of anything in my life and wouldn’t trade our little crew for anything in the world. I want to thank all of the dads out there, especially the four that I mentioned earlier, and wish you all a Happy Fathers Day!!!!

Playful Saturday

A hot day today meant one thing - froggie pool!

 He's not naked, I promise :) 

 The water may or may not have been FREEZING.

Brenna was sitting pretty in the shade, enjoying the outdoors.

Love these moments :)

PS All you local readers: grab the State Journal-Register tomorrow to check out our little celeb baby!

Thursday Thoughts, Vol. 4

I think this Thursday Thoughts post is becoming a regular theme each week...guess I must have a lot of things to ponder after the week with my kids!

1. When I miraculously get both kids down for nap/quiet time at the same time, I immediately figure out which tasks to do first based on which are most difficult to do with kids who are awake. Making phone calls probably tops the list :) Anyone else do this!?

Brenna fell asleep on me last night - precious!

2. Fathers Day is coming up....and I am trying to convince Mr. Westlake to do a guest blog post - who's with me!?

3. Our calendar is a little overwhelming right now - mostly with social functions and get-togethers - but still it can be a little much. I'm looking forward to when July rolls around and we have a little less going on. While I love seeing friends and family at planned events, it's sometimes nice just to have an afternoon to drive spontaneously out to my in-laws' farm, or to play outside as a family on a Sunday afternoon.

4. Following that last thought...I used to try to do it all - I really never said no to any project, social event, etc. But even though I get stir-crazy sometimes now, I realize this is a very short season of life, and I'm going to take advantage of the time I have with my kids when they are little, before we're pulled in a million directions with school and activities. I don't want to have to put a TV show on for Connor or get him in engaged in some activity just so I can clean or work on the computer. This is my time with my babies while they're babies still.

5. So Connor is still getting the hang of possessive adjectives, and he'll say, for example, that he wants to see something "on my phone"...meaning, of course, on "your"  phone. So naturally, we antagonize him and ask "You want to see something on your phone?" He'll reply "on MY phone!" ...and the cycle continues. Poor kid :)

6. Brenna has gotten so much more relaxed physically. It seems like slowly her muscles are loosening up as she becomes used to moving more. The other day, she was chilled out on her boppy, limbs all relaxed and moving freely, something she would have hated just a short time ago.

7. We're still practicing with spoon feeding, except that now we're concentrating on just the spoon part of that. The feeding has taken a backseat - since it's not really important now anyway - and we're working on getting her used to having the spoon in and around her mouth.

Happy Thursday everyone - bring on the weekend!

Connor-isms

For a long time, Connor was a very serious, quiet child. He literally said about 10 words until he was about 22 months old (although we did American Sign Language with him, which he loved and was very good at, so he could sign many more words he could say.) But when he got close to 2, his language just exploded.


Now the kid won't shut up :) He loves to learn and constantly makes us laugh with the funny things that come out of his mouth on a daily basis. He asks a million questions and soaks up every little detail.


Being such a Disney fanatic, it's no surprise that Connor is obsessed with Cars. If you've seen it, you may recall the scene where the delinquent cars on the interstate mess with Mack as he carries Lightning McQueen to California, causing Lightning to fall out of the truck. Connor is crazy about this scene and the four "highway cars" as he calls them. One day, I went to check on him playing in the basement and found that he had completely re-created the scene with some of his cars. I about fell over when I saw it!

It's a poor picture, but you can see the red car (Lightning McQueen of course) is in the back of the big truck (Mack) and the "highway cars" are driving next to Mack like in the movie.


Other funny remarks in the past few months:


-Elmo used to be an absolute must at bedtime, and one night we couldn't find Elmo in Connor's room, so we went searching. After a while, Connor called out "Elmo! You can come out now!"


-Connor was working on a puzzle when he sneezed on the pieces, so he brought them to Evan, saying "Daddy wipe it off. I Bless You'd on it!"


-One day I asked Connor if he would help me plant flowers in the flower bed in our backyard. He replied "That's where the flowers sleep!"


-He has such an imagination and loves to pretend like his toys or stuffed animals are helping with activities. I was searching for a show on OnDemand one night and commented that I didn't see it. Connor grabbed one of his dino toys and held it up to the TV, saying "do you see it, Dinosaur? I don't either, Dinosaur!"


-Brenna was fussing once, and I said "It's OK, Mommy's here." Evan added "And Daddy's here," and Connor piped in "And Connor's here!"


-While jumping on his bed one day, Connor said "I'm jumping down and high!"


-He has a dinosaur book that shows dinos for every letter of the alphabet. He asked me "What's that one?" And I said "It's a parasaurolophus. Can you say parasaurolophus?" He shot back, "That's a tricky one to say!"


-Evan was teaching Connor about his and Brenna's middle names, so he said slowly, "Connor William...Brenna Helen Marie." And Connor replied, "Daddy Evan."


-And lastly, one of my favorite moments so far:
Connor never shows much interest in touching or holding Brenna, but one day, she was sitting in my lap without a hat, and Connor walked up and touched her on the head, proclaiming "I like Brenna!" Just when I thought my heart would melt, he looked at his hand and said, "Brenna's sticky." I could not stop laughing!

This and That

Thumbs Up...


...to Brenna being off of all medication for the first time since birth!! We discontinued her skin meds and the Zantac she was on for reflux, and her antibiotics for the latest staph infection ended as well, so she is med-free!

...to the first night Evan and I spent away from the kids! We attended my friend Meredith's wedding in Chicago on Saturday, and everything went great, both for us and for my parents and mother-in-law who watched the kids while we were away.

...to the 10 pounds, 6 ounces that Brenna is tipping the scales at now! She teetered in the 9-pound range for a while; then she hit 10 lbs and never looked back.

...to Brenna's little buddy Evan turning 2 on Saturday! If you recall from my previous posts, Evan's mom has been the biggest help and suuport for me with each new challenge we encounter or question we have. We are wishing Evan a very Happy Birthday from Illinois!

Thumbs Down...

...to the pearly whites that I suspect will soon start poking out of Brenna's gums. She has been a biting, drooling, cranky little thing lately, and I am thinking that teeth are the culprit. Connor got his first two teeth the weekend he turned 4 months, and with Brenna being born a month early, I am guessing that hers will be making an appearance soon!


...to the air conditioning sucking all of the humidity out of our house. I know this is what air conditioners do, but it's making baby girl's skin all dry again :(


...to our wonderful ENT doctor's last day. We will miss you Dr. Ettema!!

Happy Monday everyone!

When we announced the impending arrival of Brenna

Exactly a year ago today (yes, Evan has made me aware of the fact that I am weird for being able to remember dates like this!), we announced to the world that Baby #2 would be joining the Westlake family.

(June 8, 2011)

It was this day too that we were able to see our beautiful baby for the first time via sonogram.

We had been trying for about nine months to add to our family. Connor had just turned one, and I stopped nursing him, so we were able to start trying for the second.

At first, we didn't think too much about it. Then as the months wore on, it felt like nine years instead of nine months. Every month, I was just sure I was pregnant. Then the month came when I really was sure. But I got a negative test. Three days later, I got another negative.

I was frustrated, I cried to my mom, and then I put it out of my mind, deciding that if and when a second child came along, it would be on God's time. Not mine. I wanted our children close together (within two years), but it looked like that wasn't going to happen.

A few weeks later, I walked into the grocery store with Connor....looked at all of the food...and felt like I was going to throw up right in the middle of the pasta aisle.

I decided to take another pregnancy test that next morning, and Evan and I were completely surprised to see a positive result.

And an ultrasound a couple of weeks later confirmed that I was 8 weeks and 5 days along.

(at 18 weeks)

It's surreal to reflect back on those days, a time when we had no concept of the challenges that lie ahead when our little girl would be born. But I am so glad that at least my pregnancy was full of excitement and happy preparation and not worry or sadness like so many pregnancies are. We had our fill of worry and sadness when Brenna was born, but I'm grateful that God gave us that carefree time as a family of four.

Lessons Learned about How to Help

Since the day of Brenna's birth, we have been so humbled by the thoughtfulness and generosity of our community, from our friends and family to complete strangers. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has offered help for our family. You will all never know our gratitude for your immediate and continual outpouring of love.

One of the lessons this journey has taught me is how to now help others. Once you experience a situation, I think you can truly understand and appreciate exactly what might be helpful to others in a similar situation. It's like after you have a baby and you realize that the frilly, puffy dress is sure cute, but it's the plain white onesies that you use day in and day out that are really practical!

Because so many people asked how they could help us, I wanted to share some things that we found very practical, useful or helpful during our time of need, and things that I will keep in mind when I want to help others in the future...

-Demand to be useful (if you are close to the family.) In the days and weeks after Brenna's birth, we were so consumed with her that it was exhausting thinking about anything else, and it was a relief when someone would just take charge for me. My best friend Kristin would call, and instead of offering the standard "let me know if you need anything," she would tell me "I am helping you today, what can I do?" This let me delegate to her instead of feeling like I was inconveniencing her in asking for help. (You know your friends are truly heaven-sent when they scrub your toilets for you :) )Several of Evan's aunts and cousins would send me their schedules each week, letting me know exactly when they were available to babysit Connor and that they expected to be called. My cousin told me "I am coming over to clean... tell me what needs done."

-If you don't know the family well enough to help directly, consider sending a gift card. We received gift cards to various stores and restaurants, and I can't tell you how incredibly convenient and helpful it has been! We have been able to use gift cards when we were low on food and all we wanted was to get a pizza, or when we would need to make a run to Walmart or Target for baby items or medicine. We used gift cards to McDonald's and Subway like crazy while Brenna was in the hospital and we were there at lunchtime, and gas gift cards come in handy as we have traveled back and forth from the hospital and now to doctors appointments. Gift cards have been a huge blessing both for convenience and financially.

-Organize meals for the family. Thank God for this. Seriously. My friends set up a meal program for our family in which food was to be delivered at a certain time every Tuesday and Thursday (so as to not overwhelm us with too much food that might go to waste), and they set up coolers by our back door so that people could bring meals to us (in disposable containers) without worrying about bothering us. They also set up an account for our family on mealtrain.com, so that people could sign up on specific dates and note what they were making for dinner. Because of this, we have had delicious home-cookin' with literally no repeated foods, with no extra stress to our lives!

-"Wrap" your gifts in decorative baskets or storage containers instead of gift bags/boxes. One friend brought us a plethora of baby items and put them in an awesome big black basket that now holds all of the toys in our living room, which is so useful! Several other people brought food or gifts for the kids in little storage bins/containers, which we then were able to use for craft supplies and other household storage. It was something I had never previously considered, but has been so helpful...I plan to wrap most of my gifts this way in the future!

Just recently, some photo clients of mine-turned-friends gave gifts to the kids with cute Thirty-One bags as the gift bags, and I am so thrilled that we'll get to use these bags in the future, since they are the perfect size for snacks or games/toys on car rides.

-Prepare frozen food instead of "fresh". Many times when a family has a new baby or is faced with an emergency or unexpected life event, they are immediately given a lot of food and may not be able to eat it all within a certain timeframe. My sister-in-law considered this, and instead of cooking fresh meals for us, she simply doubled several recipes that she was feeding her own family and froze the extra for us. She brought us a handful of freezer-friendly containers with the meals, labeled with the food inside and date prepared. So when a period of time came when we were low on fresh food, all we had to do was thaw one of those meals for dinner. It was so convenient!

-Consider breakfast or lunch items instead of dinner. One morning, my friend texted me and said she had left us some food on our back porch...I went outside to find all kinds of breakfast items, from bagels and cream cheese to waffles, cereal, yogurt and more. At a time when grocery shopping was the last thing on my mind, it was a huge help to have items that we could eat for breakfast! Another friend brought pumpkin muffins for us to have Other friends and family also brought us sandwiches and soups on various occasions, and it was really nice to have that instead of having to rely on leftovers every day for lunch.

-Let someone know you are thinking of them and praying for them. And as additional help, let them know that they don't need to respond to your note :)
_____________________


I hope this might give ideas to some of you who are looking for ways to help other families! Having been on the receiving end of so much generosity, I am looking forward to the day when our family can "pay it forward." Is there anything else that anyone would add who has been in a similar situation when you've been helped?

I can't end this post without saying THANK YOU one more time to all who have done something for our family.We have appreciated each and every gesture and prayer!!

My progress

I think it's been easy to look back at the last almost 6 months and see the progress Brenna has made. Tracking her growth and her milestones has come so naturally, and it's not difficult to notice the difference in Brenna physically with each passing week and month. She has truly come so far.

But recently, I've really begun to see the progress that I've made personally in this time, emotionally. With all of the ups and downs we have encountered since her birth, I have come so far too.

During Brenna's first few weeks of life, I would sit in her room to pump and look at the closet full of little girl clothes, and I would wonder if she would ever get to wear them. I would gaze around her room with tears in my eyes and wonder if she would ever get to sleep in her new beautiful white crib or see the room we had so excitedly prepared for her.

My heart was so heavy as we came home from the hospital empty-handed and I unpacked our bag, pulling out the sweet little baby clothes and pink blanket that were unworn and untouched.

Then, as she improved, I felt hopeful for the first time...which quickly turned to anxiety as we prepared for her homecoming. While we thanked God for each improvement and for the opportunity to bring our precious girl home, we also wondered how we would be able to take care of Brenna on our own. Facing the reality of being responsible for her care (instead of relying on the outstanding medical staff at the NICU), in addition to Connor's, was overwhelming. I was extremely anxious at this point in time.

(I am so grateful for help. In addition to meals, financial help and other assistance, I lined up family and friends to come help me for at least a part of every day for the first few months we had her home. I would have gone absolutely crazy without this help.)

As I began to "master" Brenna's care and started to feel like I was getting the hang of caring for two little ones, my thoughts and focus turned to the future. I began to worry about Brenna as she grew older. How would we handle certain situations, would she have friends, would people be mean to her, how will we teach her to value herself and not be concerned with her appearance? Even completely silly things ran through my mind, like will our furniture have Aquaphor stains all over it or how will we get Brenna to gain weight when she's a picky toddler? (stupid, I know.)

But recently, my heart feels very light. I am putting all my trust in God's plan again, and it is amazing - though not surprising - at the difference that makes.

I feel so hopeful in regards for the future - hopeful about the good life she will have, hopeful about the friends she will make, hopeful about the family vacations we will take, hopeful about the many more milestones she will hit...going off to kindergarten, her first sleepover, her first goal in a soccer game, getting her driver's license, helping her put on her jewelry for her first dance, high school graduation. (oh my gosh, I'm crying just typing that!)

I feel such an acceptance in my heart of how our life as a family is going to be different but still incredible. We'll still get to sit and watch Connor's baseball games during the summer; we'll just have to pack a cooling vest and misting fan for Brenna to make sure she doesn't overheat. We'll still get to go on vacations; they'll just be centered around sight-seeing and the pool instead of floating in a lake. And that's OK. I am so much more excited about all that we'll get to do as a family of four that I hardly even consider what we, or she, won't be able to do.

There literally is not a day that goes by - even the really hard days - that I don't, at some point, marvel at the miracle that Brenna is and the struggles that she has overcome. And now, I feel like I am really starting to look back, reflecting on my personal journey and thanking God for the struggles that I have overcome as well.

Cousin love

A few weeks ago, we celebrated our nephew Gus's first birthday...and I asked my sister-in-law during the family party if she was up for the challenge of trying to get a picture of all of the grandkids together - all six of them under the age of 6!

She was very nervous about letting her oldest hold Brenna, but we lathered him up with sanitizer :)

After a few outtakes, it became clear that there would not be a definitive winner...

Connor brought his A game when it came to smiling (note to self: work on this before family photos!)

Evelyn: "Forget all these boys, look at me!" 

Rapidly losing interest...

After a few facial changes in Photoshop, I ended up with a half-way decent one - everyone looking, no one screaming...that's success in my book!

left to right: Brenna (4 months) held by Garrett (5), Evie (almost 4), Audie (2.5), Gus (1), Connor (2.5)